Friday, December 21
"Allow me an observation. I agree: man is predominantly a creating animal, doomed to strive consciously towards a goal and to occupy himself with the art of engineering- that is, to eternally and ceaselessly make a road for himself that at least goes somewhere or other. . .0 comments
"Man loves creating and the making of roads, that is indisputable. By why does he so passionately love destruction and chaos as well? Tell me that! But of this I wish specially to say a couple of words myself. Can it be that he has such a love of destruction and chaos because he is instinctively afraid of achieving the goal and completing the edifice he is creating? Maybe he likes the edifice only from far off, and by no means close; maybe he only likes creating it, and not living in it."
From time to time I fall back on this excerpt that I read from Notes from Underground by Dostoevsky my senior year of college. Before I relate the above quote to my own life, I want to first admit that I have always struggled with expressing my own Christian beliefs on this little secular monster space. I'm not quite sure why I feel so sheepish to say Christian things here and clearly, that is something I need to work on since I am a believer. I guess my incredibly pathetic excuse is that I feel like whenever I profess Christian beliefs, I am afraid people will think I am naieve, pushing something on them they don't want to hear, always perky, without appreciation of dark humor, and unable to think deep, philosophical thoughts. Of course I have surrounded myself with many awesome, reflective, and hilarious Christian people who display absolutely none of those stereotypes so why do I still feel the fear of getting pinned? Clearly this is an issue for another blog for another day but a warning to those who continue reading: bible verse ahead. Back to my original thoughts . .
I recently read all my writings that I blogged since 2003- there were quite a few. I narcissistically enjoyed following the path of my life no matter how dark and then enlightening it got. My writings connected my life like a timeline that I literally charted into histograms and pie charts of variables. For example, emotion-writing variable relations: the darker I get, the more I write. Time in relation to place is another set of variables I charted. I have been moving city to city to city every two years since 1999- never extending my time anywhere past the finite 2 year mark. Over and over I read the gut wrenching anticipation of having to say good bye to another group of people, another set of favorite places, another lifetyle that I absolutely had fallen in love within those two years. The amount of times I have greived leaving Melissa is ridiculous as we departed, reunited, tore apart, and reunited again. Even last Friday night, as I read 2005's posts, my stomach became nauseated because I miss Megan and Mamie and my graduate school class of 22 so much.
I have been engineering all these well traveled "roads" for myself through education, career, marriage, and friendships. I have been so excited to get a job I look forward to most days, live with Ben blocks away from Lake Michigan, and own a house that I can mold into a little space where loved ones and myself can feel safe, cozy, important, and welcome in this world. I have met the most fabulous people who I simply admire & want to be with every Friday, Saturday, and Tuesday night. And now I sit here in my "edifice" of a little house not really planning on engineering any huge life changes, but instead of feeling content and happy, I feel inner chaos & destruction. I have these ghosts of people and places and feelings that are out there- that I want to be with but can't- and I miss you so much. I cannot express how many evenings I have felt so lonely & wondered what I am doing wrong. Because I have everything and then some that I could ever want.
So last night I was hit with the lonliness monster again. I began cleaning (a usual busy-ing of the body and hands) when I found a Christmas card my great aunt had sent along this year. It read simply: "Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10. So I cozied into bed a la 9 pm with the bible that occasionally I sleep with and I was still so I could listen closely.
posted by Jenny Friday, December 21, 2007
